A Journey To Self Love

I often wonder when I stopped loving myself... or did I ever love myself?

Many days, I feel like I'm on autopilot coasting through life. Living day by day just to get through. I recently started questioning myself- How long has it been since I started living this way? When did I even start living this way? When did I stop living for experiences? Why do I live this way? How do I stop it? Is it because of Childhood trauma? Is it because my parents had me at 17, and did the same thing? Is this just a survival mechanism? Is it because I spent a number of years in abusive relationships with narcissistic men? What is it? Why don't I love me? Why don't I respect me?

I don't have the answers to any of those questions. But that's what I'm trying to get to the bottom of!

What exactly is loving myself? 

Is it accepting who I am, As I am? Am I even Happy with who I am?

Respecting that with each day I do the best that I can, even if I do absolutely nothing at all?

Demanding respect from others?

Having Standards higher than most can meet?

Being happy and capable...alone?

Is it a number on the scale?

Working out and transforming my body to fit the ideas of the media?

What is it to love myself?

I think this journey is to find myself, and to love myself more than I love others. I am hardest on myself. I self sabotage, I overthink. I destroy before it even develops. I have to learn to love myself alone. Find happiness in being alone. Stop being so insecure about superficial things. More importantly respecting myself...my wants, my needs- even if another person doesn't like it. Even if it means I lose the person. I have to end the negative self talk, and feeling like I just can't do it... because at the end of the day... I am the only one that can do anything for myself. I want to find peace and happiness within myself, and not question it.